I've been accused, by several people in my life, of being addicted to sex.

If I was so addicted to sex how did I remain celibate for almost 7 years?

What they fail to realize, even after I tried explaining, it's passion not sex, that I am an addict of. Everything I do and everything I am comes from passion.

I'm that weird girl who loves to stare at you, awake or sleeping, to smell you, hear you breathe, touch your skin, listen to your heart beat. I want to bite you and kiss you at the same damn time. I want to get so lost in our kisses it takes us to a whole other dimension. I want to make love to you across the table with just my eyes.

I've always been the type of girl who knew what she wanted and said it. Not saying there aren't parts of me emotionally that are shy, but for the most part I'm open as fuck. Blunt, honest, and open.
I not only want to share my body with you, I want to share my energy, my magic. My sensuality. Everyone is so into just the physical aspect of sex and that's just the beginning..losing yourself completely in passion is the most beautiful experience ever. Some people have it ...some people don't.

I know exactly the feeling I'm looking for, I refuse to settle. This year already has been a year of extreme highs and lows in every aspect of my life. A year of many lessons already learned. A year of many blessings.

I was having a conversation earlier this year with the person that made me finally type up this blog, Neffi, ( Check out her blog here ) and I was telling her I always immediately open up to people and give people all of me right away. She told me I never gave people the chance to earn me and people should be earning what I have to offer. I have always thought myself a prize, that moment made something click in me though. I'm not just a prize, I am the prize.

I was alone for so long that I learned to love and be in love with every aspect of me and no matter how much I love a person or how in love with a person I am, I am still way more in love with myself and I will end up with the person who makes me feel like they love me at least as much as I love me, or more.

I have so much love and passion to give, it overflows. Most people can't handle that. Can't handle loving without attachment. I love you because it makes me happy to love you, not because your love makes me happy. Most people don't love themselves enough to offer me the love I deserve, I've always loved those way harder, because quite frankly those are the ones that need it the most.

Love hard. Love without reservations. Love without expectations. Love without attachment.

I don't need you to give me the world, I just need to feel like I am your world. I need your energy in tune with mine. I want to burn a few meals because we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I want people to think we're newlyweds for the rest of our lives. I want you to feel comfortable in the deepest darkest parts of me as I will feel comfort in your darkness. I want you to trust that I will be the glue that keeps every single one of your broken pieces together. I want our fights to be just as passionate as our sex.

I just want to feel something pure and real.

Had to check myself before I wrecked myself ...

A year. A whole year has passed since my entire world changed. To others my world was shattered, destroyed. At one point, to myself as well. I found my daughter was hiding a hell of a secret from me. A secret I was embarrassed I did not catch sooner. A secret that made me feel as though I failed as a parent. How did I not catch it? How did I not see this coming? How did I not realize, she too lived in a world that I was all too familiar with? Was I so filled with my own light, to realize how dark her dimly lit lamp kept her blind to what I thought she was aware of? Did I become so consumed with helping those around me to a point where I forgot to take care of my own home? From day one she reiterated over and over that it had nothing to do with me, she failed, not I, still says the same today. As an overprotective parent, I begged to differ. I have spent the past year, crying, mending, guiding, LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, and most of all unconditionally LOVING my baby girl to no end. I came to terms with my workaholic habits to give her the time I have allowed myself to rob her of, for so many years. As everyone knows, I work, A LOT. I have always had 2-3-4 jobs at a time. This is the first time in my working life that I only have ONE source of income, there were more important things to take care of at home. I enjoy to make money as much as I enjoy to spend it. I never ever wanted my kid to want and not have. I feel like maybe I fucked up in that sense, there was precious time lost being an employee, chasing paper, when all along I should have been chasing dreams, OUR DREAMS. This year has humbled me more than I have ever been humbled before. Although we are far from healed, and I say WE because this secret has made me take a look at the darkness I have had hidden for so long myself, we are a lot closer than yesteryear. Her healing process has also become mine. It has not been an easy battle, I wanted to give up so many times. I was tired of feeling like I did not deserve what I was going through. That is where I was making one of my many mistakes in our journey. I kept making it about ME. About what I did wrong. About my own karma. I had to allow my kid to own up to her shit, as I allowed myself to acknowledge that I had MY OWN SHIT to deal with, that had nothing to do with her. As her issues had nothing to do with me. I grew up my entire life suffering alone, in silence. Everyone has their own ways to deal with pain, I chose writing. I would write and write feeling as though I was visualizing the pain I felt. You would never know that anything was ever wrong with me, I never had the luxury of showing it. I am Mama Netty. Literally. My grandmother used to tell me constantly that I was my mother's parent. I grew up way too fast. I do not wish my past thoughts on anyone. The mental struggle that I continue to climb out of constantly. I thank them though. I love who I am and who I have become because of those struggles, and it is my duty to make sure my daughter too finds the love for herself that she looks for in the approval of others. I need her to realize the only approval she needs is HER OWN. Together we need to realize when we need help, and to actually ask for it. Together we will continue to win this war, battle by battle. Parenting does not come with an instruction manual, and I for one never thought I would even be one, yet here I am. The universe had a plan for me, a divine plan at that, which included HER. I realized 15 years ago the reason for my existence was HER. Today I realize how much of me is really her, and how much of her is so me. She is fighting the same battle, although due to different circumstances. She now knows that unlike me, she does not have to suffer in silence, alone; I am here to help her through it. My own passions/hobbies/jobs have been set aside all year round to help heal her pain, and it has all been worth it. We are getting better each and everyday. Each and everyday we both get a little closer to our ultimate goal of pure blissful joy. There are days we need an extra push from one another, but no one ever said it would be easy. I am a warrior. I have always been a warrior. I will always fight, fight, & FIGHT some more. I will make sure she becomes a warrior herself. A warrior of all things good and positive. 2012 was a year full of DEPRESSION, fighting, TEARS, planting, sowing, learning, hating, loving, misunderstandings, but most importantly, HEALING. We enter this new year a lot more positive than the year before. We both know what we are up against, and knowing is half the battle (GI Joe tune just went off in my head, I am so old LMAO) Knowing and acknowledging the issue makes the fight that much easier for us. Most secrets tear families apart, her secret brought us much closer together, closer than ever. I always complain about wanting to be the student because I was always the teacher in my clan, she has enlightened me in showing me that she too can be my teacher, and that I had a lot to learn. She taught me that contrary to popular belief, I do not know it all. ( According to my pals I am a know it all *shrug* ) She taught me to see things in the eyes of others, so that I could understand that what I was deeming weak, was actually a courageous cry for help. She taught me that my strengths were also my main weaknesses, my downfall. She taught me to listen, TO REALLY LISTEN, I MEAN LIKE NOTHING BUT LISTEN, NO THINKING, JUST LISTEN, even when there were no words spoken. I am always so quick to respond, I never digested much. I was hearing everything that was being said, but I was not listening. She has taught me the many different ways one suffers and shows/deals with pain, and that no one way is better than the other. She has taught me that it is ok not to always get it right, there are ways to start over and fix it. I make a promise to my child. Together we will heal. Together we will conquer. Together we will live. I am the parent of a depressed, suicidal, bulimic, cutting teenager. She has visualized her own pain in ways I did not understand a year ago. She found a way to put a face on what she felt. Made the pain physical, so that the emotional pain was bearable. Today I get it. We all heal differently. We all fight differently. We all take different roads, to end up in the same place. Everyday I remind her how amazing she is, and how proud I am of her. I would not wish the pain I have endured this year on anyone, but I am glad I experienced the lesson. Lessons come to us in different vehicles and I needed something this extreme to wake me the fuck up and make me check myself before I wrecked myself. I am grateful for every single blessing the universe provides me with, even those in forms of hardcore lessons. I vow to make sure my daughter ALWAYS realizes her worth. She is worth fighting for, and the same way she saved my life 15 years ago, I plan on saving hers.

Just because you're blood does not mean you are family

Her body was still warm when the separation began. Gossip began to flow, the hostility began to show. I cannot believe I was witness to such debauchery. It went as far as someone stealing a saint. A saint that belonged to my grandmother for over 5 decades…all of a sudden everyone needed a description, they had no clue what I asked for. Maybe it was my grandma who mixed up the meds on my mom, made her give me her own blood pressure medication rather than the 2 xanax I asked for. Good thing because I would have hated the disrespect I would have had to bless the funeral with. Although it would have been in her defense, she would have not wanted it to be that way. During her viewing I felt as if I was stuck in a coma, I could see and hear all, but could not for the life of me move or reply. Before this pill induced coma, right before, one of my cousins got one hell of a piece of my mind. The night before the viewing as we sat in my mother’s house mourning and remembering, my sisters, me and a few people at my mother’s house decided we should make a memorial poster for my grandmother. We looked around for photos of only her but found only a few and used whatever photos we did have. As we made the poster and went to staples to get it printed right before they closed we said amongst ourselves, “I hope they do not miss the point of this poster, but they will” They did. I have bartended for many years and it has made it possible for me to listen in on more than one conversation even in whispers even when I try not to, I can also read lips. As I silently spoke to my grandmother I hear my lovely cousin say “How disrespectful is it that Tito’s girl (my brother’s girl) is on the poster, but they didn’t have the consideration of putting me on the poster.” I flipped. I knew they would miss the point of the poster because that is the piece of fucking shit family I have to deal with. Damn they could not even wait to get to the privacy of their own homes to begin to talk shit? Oh how the poster was SO HALF ASSED Most of us were there for a week all of us together yet we only saw each other at the funeral and the burial. I have cousins that swear they must of come up so fucking rich. “Oh we can’t all get together in one house, there are too many of us.” Oh I am fucking sorry I did not realize we grew up in a fucking mansion. I did not realize that Mama and Papa had a fucking north south east and west wing in their house where we ALL fit. Not even in the death of our dear saint grandma we could all come together. Let us not even get to the fact that one of my little cousins did not even ATTEND the funeral or the burial and lived in the same state. The same piece of fucking shit that has had to ask for forgiveness from almost all of us because he has robbed us blind, including my grandmother. My mother asked me to apologize to my cousin so that no one talks shit because my cousin went to her copping pleas, stating that I over reacted on a JOKE she was saying. Of course is it now a joke, U were fucking caught talking shit u dumb bitch. Most of my family disgust me to a point I would love to spit a big fat fucking goober in their face, u know the new reality tv slap. Enough of them, they deserve no more space here.
You cannot choose your blood, unfortunately, but u can choose your family as I have done my entire life. I come from such a broken family I tend to create my own. As fast as I let you in my life is as fast as I will also dismiss you if I feel you are only poison to my being. I defend my family as anyone would defend theirs, maybe a little more. I care for my family more than I care for myself, sometimes to fault. But I CHOSE THEM, I allowed them to stay. I have chosen nothing but positive to stay in my life because it is what I want MY FAMILY to be, positive. I do not apologize ever for the things I say, maybe the way I said them. I mean what I say and say what I mean. A lot of people tend to think I think too highly of myself. Do I? My standards are mine, yours are yours. I would LOVE to have a friend like me. I would love to have someone devoted to me as I am devoted to them, so I look for that. Who am I to just “dismiss” someone they say, who am I not to I say *kanyeshrug* Although I open up and give give give I have learned to differentiate those worth my time and those not, right away. It took many years for me to realize this, but just because you are my blood, it sure does not mean you are family.

Fuck you mother nature. Fuck you. Wooosah. Work this afternoon will be a fucking joy. It is all a mind thing. Hahaha yea right more like I need to roll a few blunts before work cause my back needs to be drop kicked back into commission :(

There should be a cut off age at the door ...

I was 13 the first time I was taken to a night club. Caribe night club it was called and then several other names before it became the gay club Kashmir. My mom took me with the rest of my aunts and uncles, like I was one of them, a grown up. By then my bloodstream was quite familiar with the invasion of the ever so powerful selections of Dominican rums and many other spirits. I wasn’t even hiding the fact that I drank, well shit, they openly provided the liquor. Being that I have been in the service business since I was 16, I became the nightlife. I embraced it like a mother embraces her newborn child. I was alive again. I did take a hiatus for a few years being that my work schedules was extremely hectic clocking in 120/hrs weeks and then I got back to it, ecstasy became a haven to stay up basically 24 hrs a day. There were not enough hours in the day was my daily quote. I became a robot. I saw myself one day at 22 and saw myself wasted away at 104 lbs. That day it all stopped for me it made me sick to my stomach to even think about drinking and partying… that didn’t last long I met a chronic clubber and although I no longer got trashed or took drugs, I was at clubs all the time and working 2 jobs still. Clubbing was always the subject of our arguments. I passed out once in pure exhaustion from working many doubles and then basically dragged out when I finally had a Friday night off to sleep. First and last time I ever passed out. Ended up in the hospital shortly after with a Pancreatic attack, 12 days no food no liquid diet, just IV. That shit SUCKED. But I did that to me. And I took full responsibility took control and changed things. I cannot deny I have not had those very few drunken nights after the incident but I rarely ever consume alcohol and even when I do it’s a few beers or wine. Anyhoot maybe my hardcore party past is what has me hating the club scene. My boy posted a status message on FB the other day saying “Doesn’t the club scene get old after awhile?” And I replied to him that yes it sure does except for our mutual friend, the aforementioned culprit ^ there who still lives in nightclubs like it’s so cute. She actually replied to the status to another reply accusing the person of clubbing with her recently. I had to be the asshole of course and reply with a “speak of the devil reply” I mean when is the appropriate time to give it a rest. Throw in the towel. I mean I see that shit everywhere party party party when the fuck do u start to realize that maybe just maybe it’s why you can’t land a steady partner. Sounds pretty ironic coming from a person that stays single a lot more than ever being in a relationship, but things are different on my side of the fence many want a relationship with me, I don’t with them. I have been single by choice. I am in no rush whatsoever to be in any type of relationship beside the one with myself and my daughter. If something worth my time comes along I am there, but I sure am not looking for that someone in the club. Everyone is a fucking promoter these days, everyone got the fucking hook up, and everyone wants the hookup. Bitches are well in their fucking 30s half fucking naked still shaking their asses in “VIP” if they even make it that far. Being on the opposite side of the bar of these said culprits, its sad for me to see it. I see the same women week after week pulling the same old ass tricks while enjoying cheap liquid courage to become instant whores. I see them come back week after week asking if I remember them and do I remember what they did. BITCH are you serious? I don’t believe for one second that these dumb grown bitches do not remember what they did the prior week, they try to save face. I am sure the age gaps gets bigger and bigger with the dudes they meet because the next generation is already old enough to club. Give it a rest birds. A club from time to time is respectable. When you are recovering from a hangover every fucking weekend after shaking your saggy ass at a club all night and morning at 35 …smh shit is just sad and pathetic. What do you think is an appropriate time to let go of that every weekend club hop? At what point does it just become plain trashy?? Like the minimum age to get in, there should be a cut off age at the door …

...intro

For many years I have thought about starting a personal blog. I rant and rave and talk enough shit to. I find myself always talking about when something is "blog worthy", but distractions are a powerful thing. Having the internet is a motherfucker when one is trying to do anything ESPECIALLY write. I guess I will be all cliche and shit and take the time to let u all know who the fuck I am. I am simply Netty. A simple being assumed to be complex by all others. I am a mother to many but I gave birth to just one. Very sexual, yet almost always celibate. Just because I get pussy, it doesn't mean I give it up. It has been 3 years since I have. I love to smile and make you smile. I love a good laugh and am always on my toes with a joke or two to share that laughter. My sarcasm is mean. very mean. I dont know what it is I cant help it. Its not that I intentionally wanna be mean but dumb people do that to me...they dig deep and take the asshole out of me. I can't hold my tongue...I really can't. People need to be told the truth about themselves. Fuck that shit. I love the friends of mine that give it to me raw. No Vaseline, just put it the fuck on me. Do not sugar coat shit for me because I will not sugarcoat a thing for you. I refuse to lose sleep over something I wish I would have said. Trust me I will say it. I do not ever seek revenge on those who do me wrong because I find it a weakness. I cannot allow anyone to get into my head enough for me to sit around and think of ways to torment you, I keep it moving. I do not wish ill on anyone either because I refuse to cloud my head with negativity, that is then what I will get in return. I can truly say I am a blessed being. I'm in love with the idea of enjoying life to the fullest no matter what path it takes us to get there and the obstacles that we all must encounter. I learn so much from so many different sources every single day because my mind is always open. I am me due to my past, I embrace it but I refuse to live in it. I have been accused of thinking myself high n mighty and I laughed and corrected, I know I am. I have lived. I was young, I mean who doesnt have that same old sad song bla bla bla. Ive enjoyed the fuck out of my life tho. I have worked hard and partied even harder. way harder. But I did grow up and out of those childish ways and became the me that I am totally in love with. I can be honest and admit my growing up and dare I say enlightening moment all came with my first broken heart. I was never ever a bad person, not intentionally at least, but my heart was never truly open until that time in my life. All of my friends have each come to me with several broken hearts. And I never really understood I just offered a dose of strength and "reality" as I saw it at least. It physically took over me, made me sick to my stomach and I lost a quick 20 lbs, tho I needed it ..totally isnt the point LOL but I never let it show. I wrote and wrote myself into healing. I mean they say that the first one is the hardest so I figured I had to tough it the fuck out and be grown the fuck up and I did and moved on. Knowing what it felt like changed my perpesctive on how I lived prior and the broken hearts I left behind. Today at 29 I am the person I respect the most in every sense of that word. I wish I could share a little part of me with everyone and make the world that much better of a place hahahaha :) I love my friends, they are my family and I defend them as such. I have friends that go back to Kindergarten and remain close to all my childhood bestfriends. I have a 12 year old that is the most amazing little girl ever. I am convinced that she is the perfect child for me, and if I was to have ever dreamed what I wanted my child to be it would be her. When I bring people into my circle I think of her, if I bring negativity into my life it brings it into hers. If anyone thinks I am brutally honest, they change that perception after meeting her, she takes the cake. I am still working on that with her no tact self , she is a Sagittarius she can't help it LoL I am into astrology because I enjoy it plain and simple. I can read all day and I mean ALL DAY. I loooove to read and used to get in trouble for staying up all night with a flashlight reading. I am a bartender and I LOVE my job. I love what I do, I love making people happy and liquor makes people happy and my charming personality of course does too! I curse A LOT like A LOT. I dabble in makeup on the side and have met some amazing people and might consider going into theater makeup with animals and monsters etc the transformations are so gratifying! I have ADD, like really bad..I end up starting mad things at once, but I am steady working on it and pot totally helps ;) Since I was 16 I have worked 2 jobs at almost all times sometimes 3, at one time 4. Its the Capricorn in me I guess, or necessity! I have never been on welfare. EVER and I had my child at 16, I am very proud of that. I have taken care of all my siblings at some point of my life, a lot of cousins and damn near the whole hood. Out of nature I have always been the nurturer I never really had. I do not care who I offend when it comes to truth, if truth hurts u shouldn't be doing it. I am not a fan of lies or liars and can never remember a lie so I steer clear of doing so. I am not THAT smart, but I am an avid seeker of wisdom. I consider myself an awesome parent and work very hard on being just that. I feel everyone who is allowed into my world should consider themselves lucky...but the luckiest should be the ones I allow to stay :) I will rant I will rave I will have lots of shit to talk..u can read it or not but please do check your feelings at the door because they don't sell sugar in my hood homie :)